I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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