apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
