someone owes me an orgasm
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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