even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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