i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
