just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The air was thick with penises
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
