i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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