He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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