Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
