Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
