No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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