So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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