you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
worst night to have a conscience
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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