Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This baby is an asshole
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
