Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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