just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
