Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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