I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
