She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
