I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
