just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
