i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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