The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
