Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
