Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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