Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
