and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
