Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
sarcasm needs its own font
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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