woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I enjoy the company of your penis
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
