Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just puked most of my soul out..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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