Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
