Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
