I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
