i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
