Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
