I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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