im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
