just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
