Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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