Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
