Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
