i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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