If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i jhust puked up my retainher.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
