There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
