so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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