My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
