how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
