Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just gargled with NyQuil
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
