I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
