Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
