I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
