I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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