I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
