people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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